Go to Your Destiny

Originally written on 23 November at 2:37pm. Though the photo was taken the morning after.

As I type this, I am cruising north on a rickety railroad in a hootin’-and-tootin’ train. I’m passing by quaint towns you thought only existed in movies, an Amish-looking county or two, and woods that look like a scene from Twilight. By the time you read this, however, I’ll have been on a bus, train, ferry, and car in six hours to be on the outskirts of civilization. It was sort of planned, sort of spontaneous. I just figured it would be nice to get out of town for a week to celebrate Thanksgiving and relax before I begin my new job.

The view from my final destination. Pardon the quality, it was taken with my phone.

Yes, you read that right – a new job. I’ll finally be another 9-to-5er! My job is within the development field, and I’ve known for quite some time that this is what I want to pursue.

I was bummed when Ridiculous Organization in San Francisco rescinded its job offer after they decided at training that I was too young. But I’m not lying when I say I wasn’t excited for the job with Ridiculous Organization. All that went through my mind was, ‘Well, I guess I’m no longer underemployed.’ With this job though I was beyond ecstatic when I was offered the position. I’m talking jumping up and down, squealing, and calling my friends. Everything felt right: there’s a team I get to collaborate with, the rest of the staff is fantastic, I actually believe in the organization’s mission and values, the salary and benefits package are great, and I get my own office! None of that can be said for the job with Ridiculous Organization.

I’ve been trying to get into the field of development. During the process, I learned the differences between a donor-centric organization (relationship-focused and donor-driven; it’s about the donors) and a program-centric organization (transaction-focused and appeals-driven; it’s about the money). And there’s a growing general consensus that nonprofits should be donor-centric, which I support. Looking back, I see now that Ridiculous Organization is program-centric whereas my amazing organization is donor-centric.

So, I’m glad that I’m on the right track. All I’ve been doing following my destiny and I like where it’s going right now.

You’re Like an Indian Summer in the Middle of Winter

Are you ready for me to wear my heart on my sleeve? Well, this is the first of several parts of how my life has changed just in the past month or so. I simply felt the need to chronicle these changes in writing…

I figured I’d get the most “emotional “one out of the way. Yet each time I try to blog about my most recent heartbreak I’m left staring at the screen wondering what to say. And after a while of contemplation and wondering I realize that there really isn’t anything left to say. I’ve said what I’ve had to say to him, I’ve written my innermost thoughts in my journal, and I’ve ranted and cried to friends. What I do have to say, however, is how surprised I am by how mature and strong I’ve been about all this.

With my other two heartbreaks, thoughts such as “What if I don’t find anyone else?” and “What if he was The One?” kept running through my head causing me to become an emotional wreck. Although I was the one to ultimately call it off for both I guess I was second-guessing and regretting my decision. What can I say? I was a dreamer and I yearned for that sweet intoxication of romance.

With this most recent heartbreak, there’s no “What if I don’t find anyone else?” or “What if he was The One?” thoughts running through my head. I guess I have him to thank for my attitude. His very practical, stoic, and often unemotional attitude towards relationships rubbed off on me; I think I may have even lost the dreamer — the romantic — in me while dating him. He replaced it with his practicality and his words of wisdom that I deserve the best especially when things go wrong. And I guess in some twisted way I’ve applied his very own wisdom to him when our relationship went sour.

No second-guessing, no regrets. It’s just another heartbreak to add to the book. He’s just another boy in the list of my silly heartbreakers. I’m sure it won’t be the last. Who knows? Maybe the next one won’t break my heart like the last three.

At the end of the day, I know that at least I tried — that at least I fought for what we had. I’m not sure if he can say the same. At the end of the day, I know that it wouldn’t have worked out and we had run our course. At the end of the day, I’m not the one who’s going to be second-guessing the decisions that were made and regretting what had happened. If the mutual desire to be with one another against all odds isn’t there, it’s never going to be there.

So, that’s one of the changes I’ve gone through. Perhaps it that didn’t all develop within the past month. However, it was only then when I recognized this newfound strength in me.

And, with that, I am off for drinks with my lovely friends to celebrate the start of my career!

Ab Imo Pectore*

The past week has been a whirlwind. A good whirlwind. A very good whirlwind.

I’ve re-discovered the joy in my life, the passion in my art, the meaning of love, and the perseverance in my career. I’m happy with who I am, what I can do, and how I do it.

I’ve learned what I’m grateful for, and who I want with me as I embark on this journey. It’s the ones whom I called jumping up and down — the ones who called to make sure that I was squealing that day because they remembered.

They’re the ones that mean the world to me.

*Ab imo pectore means ’from the heart.’ Or, literally speaking, ‘from the bottom of the chest.’

Jampacked: Guns, Tattoos, and Popcorn

The past few weeks I’ve developed this nice balance between having quality time to myself, spending time with friends, and a bit of working and studying thrown in here and there. Just some of the simple pleasures in life. Here’s a few things from this past jam-packed week that I’ve been very grateful for.

Acquiring more books.

The two books, plus my Moleskine and this lovely metal feather necklace I got.

I haven’t bought the two books that I blogged about a few days ago. However, I did buy ‘What is the What’ by Valentino Achak Deng/Dave Egger and someone gave me ‘Art by Tattooists: Beyond Flash.’ The first book — ‘What is the What’ — is an autobiography of one of the “lost boys” of Sudan and I bought it because I’m seeing him speak tomorrow night. If the timing works out, I may even get to talk with him personally. So, between now and then I’m just going to try and skim through portions of the book.

The second book — ‘Art by Tattooists’ — was a present from someone. For reasons I can’t explain, it was perfect; for reasons I can explain, it made my cry when I first saw it. I’ve always been fascinated by the art of tattoos but it’s just as fascinating to see artists’ work on a completely different canvas.

Hanging out with awesome friends.

A sign at Maggie’s — a coffee shop at my hippie-ish alma mater.

Soaking wet and seeking refuge under an awning but at least we’ve got popcorn.

Multiple late night runs to sketchy and not-as-sketchy breakfast joints in SE and SW Portland, respectively. Eating sushi while reminiscing about how long we’ve known each other. Long distance phone calls to precious childhood friends. Coffee, soup, and cupcakes over our inspiring life aspirations. Epic Scrabble games online. Running in the rain with popcorn in hand to find an unlocked academic building just to watch a movie on one of the large-screen projectors. And, as a testament to what a wonderful friend I am, I even went cologne shopping! I taught him a lot about the etiquette of trying on and buying cologne, which was sadly kind of fun.

Oh well. There’s nothing else I’d rather be than with friends.

Spending some quality time with the roommates. Read: shooting paint balls at a pumpkin and making food.

Shooting at a pumpkin! You can’t see the smiley face we had duct-taped on the pumpkin though.

The other day, a roommate bought some paint balls. I think I surprised them all when I dropped what I was doing, jumped out my chair, and skipped out to join them at the sight of the gun and paint balls. I won’t lie when I say that I can totally see myself as a military sniper in some alternate universe.

Last night, we cooked and actually had dinner all together — a rarity given our very different schedules. We made a delicious pot roast, fluffy mashed potatoes, roasted garlic asparagus (thanks to me!), peanut butter Reese’s brownies (my doing again!), and wine. It was very relaxing and homey. Oh, and delicious of course.

Buying a new laptop.

I have a new laptop! It’s an Acer Aspire Timeline 4810. Windows 7, eight hours of battery life, a super fast RAM, backlit LCD display… Mhmm. It’s gorgeous and decently priced too. I love the laptop but I feel like I’m cheating on my last laptop.

This means that I can no longer afford the tattoo that I’ve been saving to get since my money went to this laptop instead. That’s all right though because I know I’m going to get that tattoo and I haven’t yet found an artist that I want to work with. (My tattoo is going to be nothing short of epic so I need to find the right person to work with).

Academia + real world. This weekend, I took a practice GRE test at the Kaplan center downtown. It was an awkward experience because it wasn’t computer-based and it was just me, a friend, and two old ladies. My scores were a surprise though because my reading comprehension and sentence completion scores were perfect, and my verbal scores were higher than my quantitative scores! What the heck is right. But, since it was paper-based it’s not at all an accurate prediction of my scores.

As for my budding career, I received some unexpected but very good news. I don’t want to jinx it so I won’t talk about it until it’s all over and done with. Wish me luck for today and tomorrow though!

So, again, those were some of my little pleasures from last week. But, now, it’s your turn: what are you grateful for?

Rainy Portland

The rainy Portland that we all know and (sort of) love is here. The past few weeks we’ve been fortunate enough to have a relatively dry fall with crunchy leaves, crisp air, and beautiful golden and red hues against lots of green landscapes and blue skies. I think it’s my first real fall since moving to the city, and it’s just been gorgeous.

Case and point (although this was between Portland-heavy rain showers today):

The lovely view from the house. We live right across a golf course and the river. Spoiled, I know.